Riding the Rollercoaster

This has been such a wild and crazy ride. I wanted to get some of my thoughts and feelings down. I have never really understood until now how hard it is to have extended stays in the hospital and what a toll it can take on their families. I just really didn't get it. I think from day to day I have so many ups and downs and emotional highs and lows that I can hardly think straight. I know part of that is that I just had a baby, so I'm overly emotional, but some of it is just this stressful situation. The day that I was released from the hospital was so hard! We left at 9:00 at night (so that we could stay for the last feeding of the evening). We went and picked up the kids and took them home to bed. Everyone was exhausted and grumpy and the kids were not being cooperative and I had to say goodbye to Nellie for the night and leave her at the hospital. I just wasn't prepared for how emotional that was. Anyway, I slept at home, then went right back to the hospital. I went back feeling torn between two different worlds. I wanted to be at home and try to get my kids back on a schedule and help them be happy again, but I wanted to be at the hospital with Nellie, trying to help her grow and meet her milestones and just to hold her and help her know that she's loved. That night Addie also started coughing and having a runny nose. I wanted to snuggle her and tell her that I missed her and read to her and play with her, but I couldn't even get close for fear of spreading something to Nellie. It was emotionally exhausting. I made a choice by the time I came back to the hospital that I couldn't try to succeed in both worlds at the same time without making myself crazy and failing at both. So, I moved in to the hospital "hotel room". I've been staying here ever since. I manage the hospital world and visit at home. Don manages home and visits the hospital. That really helped relieve the stress, but I do miss everyone a lot. Now all of the kids are sick and Don is overwhelmed, but I feel like I can cope here. So, hopefully Don can get through this too. Addie also cries and begs us not to go if we ever get the chance to both be at the hospital at the same time. Every time this happens I leave and just cry. I can't help it. It's so hard to leave her when she's crying like that, but knowing that I don't have a choice.

 

It's also been up and down with Nellie. We were told that she would be in the hospital 2-5 days, then someone else said maybe when she was 36 weeks (which would be this Wednesday). Then the bombshell was dropped and we were told (unfortunately, this was the correct answer) that she would most likely be here until pretty close to her due date. She did really great at first and was breathing on her own without oxygen most of day 2. Then she kept having problems and they had to put her back on. She's had to stay on it since then. She ate perfectly the first time, then wouldn't eat for two days (except for through her feeding tube). They closely monitor how much and when she can eat, so it's frustrating when she's hungry and I could feed her, but they don't want me to. A nurse told me today that I couldn't feed her because she'd already warmed up the milk and if she didn't give it to her, she'd have to throw it out. I had to leave because I was so upset that I had to go cry for a bit. (Have I mentioned that I'm an emotional wreck right now?) We have had the best nurses and doctors here. They have all been absolutely wonderful. Really, I can't say enough good about them. I can't get over how caring and kind they are and how much they really care about Nellie. I could go on and on. The one today was rude and condescending and I kind of wanted to punch her. But, I didn't and she's off now, so I won't worry about it anymore, but it just added to the emotional loop-de-loops.

I think we're to the point now that Nellie is continually making progress in the right direction, so we are getting there. She is such a wonderful little girl. I wish I could just capture some of these moments in my memory. She is precious beyond words and she has such a wonderful spirit. She's very calm until someone riles her (like when Don tickles her toes to try to get her to wake up and eat) then she can kick and scream with the best of them.

Sleeping through her first bath.

Addie didn't believe that Nellie was a girl because she was only dressed in a diaper and didn't have long hair and wasn't wearing pink. So, I dressed her in pink and put a bow on her head. Now Addie believes that she's a girl.

Look, Mom! No oxygen!

Her veins in her hands and feet were done having an IV, so they put it....in her scalp. Yikes! 

I feel like a camera really must add weight. Looking back at these pictures she looks really big. So, I decided to show you how tiny she is. Her head fits in the palm of my hand.